Open for Business

My business partner Kelly's boyfriend Mike sent me this picture - Liphead. This photo is surreal and I like it! I'll tell you one thing I don't like, however - collagen lip injections. Why? I think unnaturally plumped up lips look really stupid. If you have big lips naturally, that's awesome and you deserve your awesomeness. But is it really necessary to inject them with collagen when it doesn't make anyone look any more beautiful than they already are? It just looks freakish. Maybe it's because it's not a subtle change - it's a change that says "take note world, I've made my lips bigger!" It seems to me having your lips plumped up with collagen is really telling the world your vagina is still in working order. Isn't that kind of extreme? There's got to be a better way to let the world know your vagina still has it going on.

Lil' Kim for a Day

I would like to be Lil' Kim for a day. Just a day though. I think it would be too much work being her full time.

Here's how I would imagine her day: she gets to sleep in because she has late nights and

doesn't get up much before 9:30a. When she wakes up maybe she has a glass of orange juice and goes to a gym with a private trainer who puts her through her paces with a cardio hip hop workout with great music. And Lil' Kim wears something really cute like a lil' bebe sports bra and lil' shorts that barely cover her lil' coochie - but she can get away with this because she Lil' Kim and she looks super cute.

I bet Lil' Kim has the best accessory one could possibly have. A lil' dog that gets to go everywhere with her in a Louis Vuitton carrier.

After that, it's a protein rich breakfast, maybe a protein smoothie or an omelet. Then it's off to get her weave worked on and maybe a mani pedi. Then shopping. I think she likes to shop. Maybe Gucci. Definitely someplace fancy where they know who she is and treat her like a lil' princess. Because she is. I guess it would be time for lunch - as it's early afternoonish - maybe a turkey wrap and ice tea. Then I would think Lil' Kim would want a lil' nap. I would if I were Lil' Kim. I would love to take a lil' nap everyday if I could.

I'm sure after she wakes up from her nap she has one of her minions bring her a frappucino. She touches up her make up and puts on a cute cleavage baring outfit because she's Lil' Kim and she can. It's expected of her. And then it's time for cocktails and fun. Cosmopolitans, champagne, whatever sounds most delicious at the moment. I think maybe a champagne cocktail would be what Lil' Kim wants to drink. And it's got to be the good stuff. Then Lil' Kim gets hungry and wants to eat some dinner.

Maybe Lil' Kim has a lil' steak with a salad and a baked potato. No dessert. And then she's off in her Escalade to a night club for more cocktails and fun. Another of her minions is driving - Lil' Kim doesn't like to drive. She wants to go to the most fun place ever RIGHT NOW.

She probably has a great time drinking and dancing and showing off. Good for her! Before too long, it's 2 am - where's the time gone - and now it's home to hit the hay. She is too tired to take off her make up but she does take off her cute lil' outfit and puts on her pj's. Time to sleep and tomorrow she gets to do it all over again.

Bikram/Schmikram

Starting on the first of July, I brought my talents to Bikram Yoga with the intention of taking class every day for 90 minutes. Today is day 14 and it's going well. I'm loving every moment and feel the challenge of every single posture. I do kind of miss the other things I'm not doing right now like spin class and running but this is a nice break.

I'll let you in on a little secret: today I wore my underpants to practice in. They're quite modest because they're granny pants. Not sure if anyone noticed but doesn't really matter much to me. I am going to continue going every day through the end of the month and I guarantee you, I will be wearing my granny pants again and again and again.

Namaste.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Every since I saw the video of this baby smoking, I have been obsessed with him. He's a two year old from Sumatra and his parents say he gets cranky if he doesn't get to smoke. Two year olds are just cranky anyway - that's how they are - but two year olds are not supposed to be smoking!

I feel for this little baby. I started smoking when I was only 13. I know! Terrible! I was in the eighth grade and I had the nerve to stroll around smoking much to many well deserved tsk tsks. And when I was 13 I looked like I was 10. (See reference below). And I smoked almost up until I turned 30. I didn't want to quit but my boyfriend at the time (now husband) was quitting so I thought I might as well. I'm glad I did. Who wants that damn monkey on her back?

When I was a smoker, you could smoke anywhere - restaurants, college classrooms, airplanes, offices. The only place you couldn't smoke was a church, although you could probably smoke in the church basement or bathroom if you really wanted to do so.

If this baby were my baby I would make him quit pronto - smoke enders, nicotine patch, hypnosis - whatever it took. I would prepare myself to put up with his cranky self. I'd put a little rubber band on his wrist and he could snap it whenever he felt the need to smoke. And hopefully we'd get over that rough patch and he'd quit his cigarette habit so he could live a long and happy life.

Oh, dear...

Lindsay, off to the chokey with you! I wish I were your life coach and I would tell you to do the following:

1. get off the drugs. dilaudid? man, who's your dentist? adderall? just stop it!

2. quit with the collagen injections in the lips - you don't need them - you're young and pretty.

3. handle your jail time with aplomb. think of Martha Stewart and Jean Harris and how they helped other inmates. maybe offer to teach a master class in acting because you really are (were) a good actress - I mean, Parent Trap, come on! I loved you in that.

4. go back to being your natural red head self - what's cuter than a natural red head?

5. keep a low profile, quit going out to the clubs. you're really not missing out on anything but trouble.

6. tell your mom and dad to quit exploiting you - enough! and tell them to quit talking to the press and Access Hollywood.

7. what were thinking with this nail polish? you know better!

8. try to land a great part in a great independent movie where you can prove yourself.

9. I wish you all the best and hope you can turn things around.

Paro

This is Paro the robotic healing seal. I read about him in the New York Times yesterday. This little fella helps patients with dementia. Paro responds to touch and sound and has a proven calming effect. Here's a link to Paro's homepage: http://paro.jp/english/index.html

I have my own version of Paro: his name is George. Keep the dementia away, Buddy!