Oh, dear...

Lindsay, off to the chokey with you! I wish I were your life coach and I would tell you to do the following:

1. get off the drugs. dilaudid? man, who's your dentist? adderall? just stop it!

2. quit with the collagen injections in the lips - you don't need them - you're young and pretty.

3. handle your jail time with aplomb. think of Martha Stewart and Jean Harris and how they helped other inmates. maybe offer to teach a master class in acting because you really are (were) a good actress - I mean, Parent Trap, come on! I loved you in that.

4. go back to being your natural red head self - what's cuter than a natural red head?

5. keep a low profile, quit going out to the clubs. you're really not missing out on anything but trouble.

6. tell your mom and dad to quit exploiting you - enough! and tell them to quit talking to the press and Access Hollywood.

7. what were thinking with this nail polish? you know better!

8. try to land a great part in a great independent movie where you can prove yourself.

9. I wish you all the best and hope you can turn things around.